in my defense, this thing is ridiculously fun to write

[shinealightonme]

Last final. Is OVER. Going back home for a week! Maybe now I’ll be able to get some work done on actual fics. In the meantime, more of this silly nonsense (Chapter 1 is here):

The Gospel According to Ed Bernero: Chapter 2

¹ Ed spoke unto the profilers, saying, ² I am Ed, your creator, who has given unto you this time slot for you to do as you wish, so long as you keep my laws.

³ You shall all together be as one family; ⁴ you shall tease, and squabble, and become sources of great annoyance unto each other. ⁵ Though you shall fight about matters both trivial and consequential, you shall still care and look out for each other, and offer much advice, solicited or otherwise; ⁶ and you shall worry for the well being of other agents and try to spare them any pain.

⁷ You shall not swear too vehemently, nor show too much of the gore with which you deal, ⁸ for you have not the powers of HBO to protect you, and shall incur the wrath of the censors.

⁹ You shall not rest, but rather work yourself too hard, so that the audience may see how serious your task and how strong your determination.

¹⁰ You shall have issues with your father and mother.

¹¹ You shall not kill, excepting situations where there is no alternative; ¹² and in those cases, you shall feel much remorse and question the darkness of your own nature.

¹³ You shall not date another agent, but rather leave such matters to the fans to decide as they please.

¹⁴ You shall drink an implausible amount of caffeinated beverages.

¹⁵ You shall not lie to your fellow agents about matters that concern your work, ¹⁶ for it is through trust alone that your work can be done. ¹⁷ However, you shall lie as often as you please about personal matters, ¹⁸ so that all may see how easily your fellow agents see through your lies, and come to know the glory of a profiler’s skills.

¹⁹ You shall find occasion to relate too deeply with the victims, or the unsubs, ²⁰ and in this manner you shall serve as an instrument of the angst.

²¹ You shall have trauma, both in your past and in your present, ²² and your trauma be shown to all both by the obvious signs of nightmares and flashbacks and bouts of anger directed towards those that have done you no wrong, ²³ and also by the subtler signs, slight changes in behavior that shall be missed by casual observation.

²⁴ The profilers heard these commandments, and did question why their creator did have it out for them so; ²⁵ and Ed did say unto them, “Place your trust in me, for I desire only what is best for you. ²⁶ If you heed me and keep my commandments, you shall be made more interesting and shall not suffer the fate of the prematurely canceled.”

²⁷ The profilers agreed that Ed did have a point, ²⁸ and they followed the laws that had been set for them, and for over a year they all did find much success.

Chapter 3

Comments

[hopskotch-hotch.livejournal.com]

*ROFL*

I meant to comment on the first part - both are so frickin' funny! Made my day :)

[eviinsanemonkey.livejournal.com]

Ack, your icon is adorable! Is it snaggable?

[hopskotch-hotch.livejournal.com]

*snuggles icon*

tis one of my faves! but for sure, it's totally snaggable :)

[eviinsanemonkey.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[shinealightonme]

Thank you! Glad my goofiness could bring some laughter to your day ^_^

[eviinsanemonkey.livejournal.com]

LOL! I love 13 and 14 the best :)

[shinealightonme]

Thanks! =D

They drink so much coffee that show that it seems like 14 really is a rule...

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

10 and 13 are so awesome, but they are all really good. This is such a great idea : )

[shinealightonme]

Thank you! I'm afraid that it's a pretty silly idea so I'm really glad that you appreciate it ^_^ And 10 is so true, they all have daddy or mommy issues...hm, except Rossi. I'll bet he does, though, and it just hasn't come up yet on the show.

[bookgodess15.livejournal.com]

Love! Love, love, love!

Who knew it was possible to emulate the voice of the Bible? You're kind of amazing. And this is so true! 7, 10 and 19 FTW!

Also, I love you because your are an Alanis fan and I haven't been able to find one of those in... well, ever.

[shinealightonme]

Love, love, love!

As in, "all you need is"? OMG have you been listening to the Red and Blue albums? Have you? Have you? *cough* sorry, right, where was I? Oh yeah, glad you liked it and that the Bible voice sounds right...it's sort of tricky not going over the top (I almost wanted to do King James voice, with the "thou shalt" and whatnot, but that would be SUCH a pain).

LOL I like Alanis, though I've only got a few songs on my iTunes...half dozen, maybe? And oh, remember that Dogma movie I was talking about? You NEED to see it if you're an Alanis Morissette fan at all. She's not in it for much, but, well, she's in it, and she's awesome in it. Plus, it's got lots of this parodying the Bible stuff you seem to enjoy so much. (Since you have very high bribe standards, I've decided to attempt persuasion instead XD how's it working?)

[bookgodess15.livejournal.com]

I did download them and they're loaded on my player, but I just got hooked on a new musical and have been listening to it nonstop for the last two days or so... But as soon as this crazy dies down, I will listen to them! I promise! (Although, I do know that song--it's on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack!)

Thou shalt would have ruined it, I think--you've got a tone going, and that would have just disrupted things. I liked it just the way it was. What else do you have up your sleeve?

Oh, no, I love Alanis. I have... I think I have all of her CD's, anyway. And I think she's amazing. Have you heard her parody of My Humps (Black Eyed Peas)? If not, check out the awesomeness on YouTube. Also, I may just check out this Dogma movie. You keep talking about it, like, everywhere.

[shinealightonme]

That's cool, as long as you get to them sooner or later. What musical are you crazy for now?

I really want to keep going with this, even though I feel kinda weird about that. Like, it was just supposed to be a joke, you know, and if I keep going it won't be funny any more. *sigh* Maybe I'm just overthinking things? I don't know. But I'd love to do, at the very least, one more chapter, which is why I ended this chapter with "and for over a year they all did find much success," to give myself a lead in to the next chapter.

Haven't heard the parody, but I shall check it out. And OMG I'm sorry I don't mean to be such a pest with my movie talk. Just, it's been on my mind lately with the CAP people and the movie meme (sadly, no one recognized the Dogma quote *sigh*). Shutting up about it now.

[bookgodess15.livejournal.com]

It's an off-Broadway musical called bare. Kind of like Rent, before the second workshop that sent them off to Broadway--it's a little draggy in places, but has some pretty intense numbers and original music. Me gusta mucho.

Yeah, I know what you mean--I mean, humor is something that you really can't force. It kind of has to hit you. So don't feel any pressure to continue, lest they start getting... you know. Unfunny.

Not pestering. You just mention it a lot--which means that you have a lot of love for it, that's all!

[shinealightonme]

Hm, sounds interesting. I think I need to check out more musicals. I think the newest musical I've seen/heard was Sunday in the Park with George, and that was a year ago now.

I think I'll write the chapter I have in mind and then take a break. If more comes to me, great, I can come back to it refreshed. If not, this isn't exactly a work of art and I don't think that no more of it will break anyone's heart, yanno?

Well I do love it a lot. It's hilarious. And yet, not TOO offensive (unless you the CAP. Or maybe I just have a high tolerance for that sort of thing, dunno).

[bookgodess15.livejournal.com]

I'm big on extended my roots on musicals, just because I feel like there's so much that's out there that I'm missing out on. I only really got into them about four years ago. The ones that I've listened to that I haven't really cared for, though, are Pippin and Jesus Christ Superstar.

Heh. Well, no, you haven't exactly picked up CM Bible groupies yet... I'll be looking forward to more, though!

I have a weirdly high tolerance for offensive stuff, too. Which is really strange, considering my parents, but yeah. Most stuff doesn't bother me (although, I must say, I have several squicks with fanfiction, but as far as television goes I'm good).

[shinealightonme]

*shrug* I like JCSS. Not my favorite or anything, but I like some of the numbers a lot. But yeah, there's so many musicals out there! You can try to keep up, but it's so overwhelming, Books, they're WINNING.

Nope, no groupies yet. Just posting here, though. It's not really a fic so I didn't want to post to the fic community. The general CM community, maybe? I don't know, it's not a huge deal.

LOL As you say, once you've seen some of the stuff that goes on in fanfics, TV is pretty damn tame by comparison =P But let's not introduce our conservative parents to those sorts of fanfics.

[bookgodess15.livejournal.com]

Meh... It was okay. The only song that really caught me was the one about King Herod. But I'm not a huge Webber fan in general anyway, so I guess that isn't exactly surprising. Next on my list to explore are Gypsy and Hedwig and the Angry Inch. And then on the backburner are Sunday in the Park With George and Mama Mia. And possibly Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Anyway. Now that I'm done dictating my to-do list.

I think that you should post it on a CM community! Absolutely! I mean, it technically is fic. And it would go over really, really well--because it's brilliant! Definitely post it.

Oh, no. I've managed eight years living under the same roof as my parents (and four of them on the same computer), and I've managed to keep my fanfiction addiction (hey, that rhymes...) a secret. AS far as squicks go--mostly, it's just mpreg and gender-bending that I can't do. And PWP I skim, because it makes me blush.

Ooo! Email from Scarlet! Must be off, there might be more ficcage posted tonight...

[shinealightonme]

King Herod's song is FUN. I like Mary Magdalene's songs - well, not I Don't Know How To Love Him, because I can't stand unrequited romance, but her other songs. And some of the apostles songs *shrug* I like the musical as a whole.

I almost saw Gypsy when I was in New York last spring, but ended up seeing Sunday instead. I have no regrets. Still, this means that I don't know that one, so maybe I should check it out as well. I think Sondheim worked on that one? Always a plus. You're totally reminding me of my old friends in elementary school, many of whom were very into musical theater...and many of whom I've lost contact with. Wonder where they are? Huh.

I'd feel sort of silly posting. I might end up doing it anyway, I don't know.

Oh God, but can you imagine what the CAP people would have to say about mpreg? The mind boggles. I do not like mpreg. Gender-bending I have nothing against in theory, but I didn't like most of the stories I read. PWP mostly just bores and embarrasses me.

Damn, you're productive! Sweet, more for me to read.

[bookgodess15.livejournal.com]

I haven't even a clue what Gypsy's about, or what the music is like, but I've heard good things about it, so... why not? I dunno. I do think it's cool that you had lots of friends who were into theatre, though--I'm not quite so lucky. My one friend thinks it's okay, but other than that, I'm kind of alone... However, good news! When I went to my overnight at my college, I wore a Wicked t-shirt and had at least two dozen people either say something about it or burst into one of the songs. So I shan't be alone at college!

Lordy. Mpreg. *snickers* I would love to see what they have to say about that. And as far as gender-bending goes, I suppose it doesn't squick me so much as it just... doesn't interest me. Guys in girls clothing, I don't find attractive, and I don't see why Reid should have to become a girl in order to get together with Hotch. Love doesn't know gender. I just... meh. Yeah. I'm entirely too philosophical about my fanfiction.

Go forth and read, but beware the angst...

[shinealightonme]

They actually burst into song? That is AWESOME. I miss having people to walk around singing on campus with.

the thing is, gender-bending has the potential to be so interesting, you could explore gender stereotypes and the role it plays in society, etc. but it always just ends up being porn. Which is silly. And vaguely sketchy because as you say, why should gender be the deciding factor? We might have higher expectations than the norm.

I shall read and I'm looking forward to it, angst and all!

[bookgodess15.livejournal.com]

Yep! Well, it is a very musical school. But still, how cool is that? These are my people.

Mm... I guess I'd have to read some well-written gender bending to decide. I don't think it actually exists. But then again, I'm a total elitist, especially when it comes to fanfiction. It's kind of why I've migrated from The Pit to LJ. It's less of a cesspool over here. :D

I must go read The Sound and the Fury now, but I will be anxiously awaiting your thoughts on it!

[buffyaddict13.livejournal.com]

I HEART YOU. <3 <3 <3

this gives me happies.

[shinealightonme]

Yay! I'm happy you're happy ♥

[luckinfovely.livejournal.com]

This? Guaranteed to make Ed Bernero piss himself with laughter. Jesus. JESUS. The things I miss when I'm refusing to look at LJ on principle.

How'd you get to be so smart? @$$f@c3.

[shinealightonme]

As long as Ed wasn't horribly offended by it, I'm good.

I steal a little smart from my sisters every morning. They have a lot, they won't miss it, and I NEED IT. Don't tell.

[luckinfovely.livejournal.com]

PffT.

[annievh.livejournal.com]

7 You shall not swear too vehemently, nor show too much of the gore with which you deal, 8 for you have not the powers of HBO to protect you, and shall incur the wrath of the censors.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
I loved this!!!
THE POWERS OF HBO!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!