Fic: Introduction to Occult Studies

[shinealightonme]

Title: Introduction to Occult Studies
Fandom: Community (/Buffy)
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Ensemble, gen
Summary: Britta has some extracurricular activities she'd like to share with the study group.
Author's Note: Inspired by Hold On, One More Time With Feeling by myr_soleil. This is a fusion-style AU; knowledge of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is helpful, but not strictly required. Written for the vampire square of my au_bingo card.

"And that, class," Britta said, steadying her crossbow on her target, "is what a vampire looks like."

"Oh, wow," Annie gasped. "I was so sure you were making all that stuff up!"

"You really didn't believe me?" Britta tried not to sound hurt.

"Can you blame me?" Annie asked. "You have to admit, it all sounded pretty farfetched."

"I believed you," Abed said. "We were getting stale. I knew someone was going to reveal a big secret soon. That or we'd get a new cast member."

"I always figured vampires were real," Troy said. "I just thought they were supposed to be sexy, not ugly."

"Hey!" the vampire protested. His face morphed back from a vampire snarl to more human features. "First of all, I'm still here. Secondly, not ugly, actually, quite handsome and charming." He smiled, probably going for charm, but really just reminding them all that he had fangs.

"Typical vampire," Britta scoffed. "So vain. How much did those shoes cost you, vampire?"

"Not half as much as yours did, and at least I can walk in mine."

"I'll have you know that these boots are perfectly comfortable and I can walk in them just fine."

"I'm sure you can. And how long did you have to practice so that you could chase vampires in them and not break your ankle?"

"Not half as long as you spend on your hair every day."

"I don't get it," Troy whispered. "Why is she not getting to stabby part?"

Abed shook his head. "They have to trade insults back and forth, first. It develops him as a character beyond just being one-note monster, and it makes the fight scene more interesting."

"There will be no 'fight scene,' interesting or otherwise," the vampire said. "I'm not sure why Super Slayer Barbie and all her misfit toys singled me out as the special of the day, but you don't need to bother. I have an arrangement with the world. I don't kill people, and they don't kill me."

"You'd really stoop that low and tell such an obvious lie?" Britta smirked.

"When it's the truth, yes."

"What kind of vampire doesn't kill people?" Annie wondered.

Britta shot her an look and hissed, "Don't listen to him!"

"The kind of vampire that has a soul."

"That's ridiculous. How can a vampire have a soul?" Troy asked.

"It can't, he's just lying to save his ass," Britta said. "And I've had enough of getting lied to by vampires."

"Let's not be too hasty, now," Shirley said, stepping forward before Britta could pull the trigger on her crossbow. "If he really does have a soul, he deserves a second chance to be forgiven for his sins."

"Forgiven? He's a monster!" Britta said.

"I'm not a monster," the vampire said. "Or maybe I am, according to your narrow-minded world view, but I didn't ask for it. I don't even drink human blood. I used to be a person just like you. I had parents, and a girlfriend, and a rather successful career as a lawyer – "

Shirley brandished one of the many crosses she'd just happened to have on her that day. "Stake him, Britta, he's evil!"

"Shirley!" Annie exclaimed. "Now who's being hasty?"

"Does anyone besides Annie have a problem with me killing the douchebag lawyer vampire?" Britta asked.

"Not really."

"Nope."

"I mind!" the vampire complained once again. "Look, I'm not evil, and I can prove it to you. If I were evil, why would I spend my time at this crappy dump of a school?"

"He might have a point," Abed said.

Britta was not so convinced. "Obviously you're just here to pick up innocent young women to devour."

"I almost wish that were true," the vampire said. "But it's not. I'm a student here." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Britta.

It was a schedule of classes, with official Greendale Community College letterhead. "This doesn't mean anything," Britta insisted. "You probably stole this from the real – " she checked the name "Jeff Winger, after you killed him."

"Jeff Winger does die a little inside every time he comes to this school," the vampire said. "But sadly, he's me. Here – you can even check my driver's license."

Britta had to admit that it looked legitimate.

"Let me see," Troy said, snatching the license away from her. "I've seen a lot of fakes. This one's the real deal."

"So why does a vampire go to community college?" Britta asked.

"Because us lost souls really are condemned to hell."

"Funny."

"Isn't it hard to live like a human?" Annie asked, and hearing the sympathetic note in her voice, Britta made a mental note to confiscate all Twilight books. Ever. "Surrounded by tasty humans you have to refrain from eating, hiding from the sunlight..."

"Not really," Jeff the Vampire answered. "You humans don't actually smell that appetizing, frankly; most of this school hasn't quite mastered the use of the shower. And it's not that hard avoiding the sunlight if you change your schedule slightly. Most vampires that can't are just really, really dumb. Hence why I go to night school."

"See?" Troy said. "I knew that night school was full of vampires!"

"Not unless one vampire counts as 'full'," Jeff scoffed. "Night school is full of people who wish they were vampires."

There was a subdued moment.

"Is anyone else finding this whole vampire hunting business to be kind of a disappointment?" Shirley asked.

"Yeah."

"Yup."

"A little bit."

"I know I am," Jeff the Vampire said. "Now if you all aren't going to destroy me, I have class."

Britta thought about shooting him as he walked away, but couldn't quite bring herself to do it. "Why couldn't he have been evil," she sighed. "Evil is easy. Boom, stake it, feel like you earned a little bit of pampering, go out to eat at that new vegan restaurant."

"Oh, Britta, we know you tried," Annie said. "It was cool getting to see a vampire. It's not your fault he had a soul."

"Really?"

"Really. I think we should all go out somewhere to celebrate."

"Not vegan food," Troy insisted. "That stuff is not natural."

"It's more natural than most of the stuff you eat," Britta said.

"At least it's better than drinking blood," Abed said.

"You don't know that," Troy replied. "Maybe we should ask our special new friend."

"Don't even mention him, guys," Britta pleaded.

"I wonder how he survives, if he doesn't drink blood," Annie mused.

Britta made a face. "Seriously, guys?"

"Perhaps vampires don't need to drink blood," Shirley suggested. "It could just be an addiction."

"That's the whole point of a vampire," Troy argued. "Vampires drink blood. Period. This guy's just an exception, somehow."

"We should have asked him." Annie looked back the way Jeff had gone. "Do you think he'd have told us?"

Britta threw her hands in the air. "He's gone now, so what does it matter?"

"Oh, I don't think we've seen the last of him," Abed said. "He'll show up again. Probably in Sweeps Week."

"What makes you say that?"

"He's a vampire, so he's the enemy, but he doesn't kill people, so he's kind of on our side. He's like the Dread Pirate Roberts, except undead, and with more hair gel. There's a lot of dramatic potential there. Plus, it's time for Britta to have a romantic interest."

"Abed!" Britta exclaimed. "Don't be disgusting. I would never date a vampire."

"Sorry." Abed didn't sound apologetic at all.

"I thought I was the romantic interest," Troy muttered.

"Maybe there'll be a love triangle," Abed conceded.

"Or a love square," Annie added.

Troy missed the hint by a mile. "Wow, Annie, you think Britta's hot, too?"

"What? That's not – "

"No, it's cool," Troy said. "I don't judge. You can have her; that love triangle stuff isn't worth it. Abed and I can just do our own thing."

Britta rolled her eyes. "Geez, thanks for deciding my life for me, Troy."

"Guys!" Pierce jogged down the hall to meet them. "Sorry I'm late, I couldn't figure out how to read my text messages. It's this new phone, I think it got set to Swedish somehow – Guys?"

Britta and the others turned and walked away.

"Oh, come on guys, I got here as fast as I could! Did I miss the slaying? Huh? What happened with the vampire?"

"Worst Watcher ever," Britta muttered.